Illustrated by Patrick Valenzia
Martin and I are attempting to put a 2nd bathroom in the house. I’m looking on Craigslist and other places for fixtures, because they’re wicked expensive. There was this one ad for a new-in-box faucet that seemed like a really good deal (normally $130 and he was selling it for $55 but okay he’ll let it go for $40). The dude and I wrote a couple letters. I gave him my number because I was going to go check it out. Then he kept calling! He wouldn’t stop calling! He and his fiancée live above some convenience store in Burlington and they’re both unemployed. She’s the one who posted the ad. He had this really high voice. After about the seventh call I wanted to say, “Look, actually I’m not interested.” It was beginning to be weird. But I was in Burlington and he agreed to meet me in a convenient location. So I met him, this very wide dude with the high squeeky voice and fiancée who was trying to look like she didn’t know him, hanging out on the street corner facing the other direction, and he handed me the Home Depot bag with the faucet. Well, the faucet had a box, that’s all I can say for it, and the box looked nice. I don’t know where he got the thing. I don’t think it was at Home Depot, tho that’s what he said. I think he just ripped it out of his apartment. The screen was missing (damn stoners! they get it every time…) and the chrome was all fingerprint greasy and corroded and a bunch of other parts were missing. I told him I wasn’t interested and apologized profusely. He asked why why why and lowered the price and I backed off because I felt so bad for him and I said, “It just doesn’t look new.”
Note to self: avoid purchasing things on street corners.
