
Illustrated by Patrick Valenzia
Illustrated by Patrick Valenzia
Balance
A ball upon a swinging thread
a ball upon a ball— a juggler—
manager of time eternal—
carries no whip.
Time is slave to no one and
disciplined by none—
for discipline is slaved to time.
Time takes its own self— tarries—
then bolts! like a bang! bang!
ball upon a ball—
The juggler bows himself in two.
One fluid focused motion
vaults him on a ball upon a thread
whereon he lifts his mask revealing
time itself— master of us all.
I am the fulfillment of my
desire— having sown
I reap command— command!
and I command myself—
secure as I swing— curled in—
one with the wind— sure
my fortune I have sown—
sure, assured, secure.
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The Alchemist is the bridge between ether and life. He channels ambient power through his self and arranges it into organized forms. He demonstrates the creative power to manifest one’s desires. In this image, in the ultimate act of creation, he creates himself. First emerged, one hand directs with the magic wand. Body, limbs, moon and ether form the two loops of the sign of infinity on a field of stars. Two wispy fingers pull the tail end of his body from the mouth of the erlenmeyer flask, finishing with one hand what was begun with the other. In the most fundamental and extreme demonstration of origination, the Alchemist has brought his own self into being.
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—Big Bang Theory—
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Exploding past the question—
“Who Am I?”
The Alchemist comes screaming forth—
“I Am!”
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Positive meaning:
Search through your bag of tricks to find creative ways to solve problems. Clear your head. Focus. You can do it!
Negative meaning:
Learn the difference between tricks and trickery. Deceit and manipulation do not make up for poor design. Stay grounded, be clear, be true.
Learning to Leave Behind Things that have Ceased to be of Use
The summer of 1993, when I was 20 years old, I exited the Benjamin Rush Recovery center in Syracuse, NY, where I had been an inpatient in the Eating Disorders Unit for five weeks. As much as I hated it there, I was terrified to leave. The remission rate for eating disorders is dismally low.
The previous semester in college I had: received a perfect 4.0 in all classes of my double major of English and Biology including the dreaded biochemistry of which I honestly had little interest; joined the cross-country team, earned myself Rookie-of-the-Year, MVP, and raced the national championships; and published poetry in a snooty magazine. I had also been bulimic, among other things, throwing up between eight and twenty times a day. I was a physiological, psychological disaster.
Upon leaving the recovery center, I moved into a little room with a hole in the wall in a moderately large house in Oswego, NY, where I lived unsupervised by doctors, nurses, and shrinks. I gave myself one allowance and one rule: I could eat any I wanted, as long as I did not throw up.
Change takes a long time.
It was ten years before I allowed myself to say, “Okay, maybe I shouldn’t eat just anything.” Since then, I have been exploring ways to heal and recover through food rather than in spite of food.
I got better.
I think I am getting better.
Anyhow, I thought I was getting better.
I was recently diagnosed with Graves Disease. My visit with the endocrinologist was more or less an explanation of a handful of ways to destroy my disobedient thyroid. Shocking, really, as I feel more-or-less okay other than chronic insomnia and lethargy and stinky farts. Why would I want to get rid of my thyroid? Why can’t we all just get along?
Some people have managed Graves Disease through diet. It means a lot of rules. I wish I had an expert to guide me. Nonetheless, I am going to try.
Healing means:
learning to leave behind behaviors which have ceased to be of any use
and finding new behaviors to fill the void.
…but what IS change?
Things that can be changed by our actions:
Things that can not be changed by our actions:
VERSES
God, give me grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
—as phrased by Reinhold Niebuhr, 1943
For every ailment under the sun
There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it;
If there be none, never mind it.
—Mother Goose, 1695
WORDS
—from Webster’s New Twentieth Century Dictionary, Unabridged 2nd Edition, 1971
Action
n. The fact or process of doing something; the state of acting or moving; exertion of power or force.
Belief
n. An acceptance of something as true or real; a firmly held opinion or conviction.
Catalyst
n. A substance which either speeds up or slows down a (chemical) reaction, but which itself undergoes no permanent chemical change. [The mechanistic explanation of catalysis is complex.]
Change
v. To make or become different; to transform; to arrive at a fresh phase (moon); to move from one to another; to use another instead of.
Serenity
n. The state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled. Clearness; brightness.
Many years ago, an acquaintance of mine told me a dream. I like listening to dreams. I no longer remember the dream, precisely. All I remember is my impression. My impression of his dream was this image:Â
(to be read aloud, except in the case of parenthesis)
Change.
(inhale)
Let go, let go.
Fill your lungs and then let go.
(bigger inhale)
Let go, let go.
Let go, let go.
Fill your lungs, fill your lungs.
Fill your lungs and then let go.
(biggest inhale)
Let go, let go.
Let go, let go.
Fill your lungs, fill your lungs.
Fill your lungs and then let go.
Let go.
(full release)
(full inhale)
(full release)
(full inhale)
(full release)
(full inhale)
(full release)
(etc., as necessary)