Monday, May 20th, 2013

On how Writer’s Block Never Occurs when One Does Not Have Time to Write

 (I admit, this blog has been slow of late.)

 

In my ignorance, I used to think my mom-friends had tons of time on their hands because they did not spend eight hours a day at a job that contributed to the GNP. I used to think things like, “She just has one kid; how much work can it be?” Of course, on some level, I must have known: I put off having children until I was 38 mostly due to time constraints.

 

Since my last post, nearly two months ago now, I’ve spent a lot of time organizing poetry and reading years and reams of words. I learned how to make a table of contents and to use section breaks in a document, to make left & right pages, and the use of having at least a dozen styles. Then I realized I ought to spend some time organizing my blog entries and seeing what I have got for a book for tarot— as that is really the point of this whole exercise. I seem to have hit a wall in terms of writing, but everything else is just procrastination.

 

In working on the book, I have to ask myself: What is the purpose of this book? What makes it different from every other companion book out there? I answer: The purpose of this book is to give myself an outlet for my writing. The purpose of this book is to explain my worldview through the framework of the tarot deck. The purpose of this book is to immerse the reader in myth and adventure, evoke laughter, provoke self-examination, and provide yet another way to view the cards. The difference is my insight, my brilliance, my refusal to conform.

 

I started doing everything in order. The Lovers was the first card for which I had not done an entry. Slightly ironic, I suppose, considering the previous (almost-finished-but-possibly-never-to-be-done) project. Who are The Lovers?

 

…To Be Continued…

(I promise)

Tuesday, April 2nd, 2013

The Lovers — Love Poetry & Tarot Readings

As we all know by now, I am supposed to be writing a book about my tarot deck. I love writing. I also thoroughly enjoy cooking and going for long walks and keeping my daughter happy. I have a few things I must do now and again, such as washing diapers and dishes and maybe some dusting on days when a blue moon falls on an odd-numbered Monday in May. Occasionally I sleep.

 

So I said to myself, “You know, Jess, you’ve already written plenty of stuff that no one’s ever going to see. Why don’t you just make a book of that?”

 

And I said to myself, “That’s a great idea!”

 

I’m not sure if I was aware at the time that it was a procrastination technique. It is a great idea! Here you go:

 

I have years of poetry behind me. Reams of it. One of the most delightful things to write is love poetry, or poetic love letters. I could put it together in a little book, match the poems with three-card readings in which The Lovers is modified by two other cards that would describe the flavor of love in the poem, and I could call it The Lovers— Love Poetry & Tarot Readings. So I began.

Lovers Jean Noblet Marseille

 image from the Jean Noblet Tarot

 

I chose a number of poems then gave them all three-card readings.  Now I am trying to decide how to order them. Meanwhile, I get nervouser and nervouser because— well— these are all virgin love poems. So few of them have been seen by eyes aside from mine! Plus, I have no idea if they hang together well enough to form a book.

 

Whether or not anyone would actually purchase— let alone read— a book of love poetry is beside the point. I suspect maybe I would give a copy to Martin and a copy to my bestest of friends and then it would just be available on Amazon for random strangers to stumble across in the same manner that one stumbles across a needle in a haystack or an eyelash in a football field. Why, why have I spent my life writing poetry if not to share with the eyes of others? Is poetry merely a masturbatory form of writing?

 

In my 20s I went through the existential phase of “I write, therefore I exist.” Those things that are written are the things that make history. It was my method of self-manifestation: my Alchemist holds a pen.

Question: If a writer writes and no one is there to read it, does the writer exist?

Answer: Objectively, no. The human who writes does not exist as a “writer” in the eyes of “writer”-label givers unless the words that were written are read.

Someone wrote to me recently: “You would make a good writer.” To which I respond: “You would make a good reader.”

Enough of this existentialism.

 

Following is a sampler of the most diverse (not the best) of my love poetry and their associated three-card reads. But who would read this stuff? I mean, really. Who would read? Gosh, I hope nobody is reading this…

 

*   *   *

 

Expecting W___ in Oaxaca

(Lovers, Star, Knight of Cups)

 

This country is another world.

My bed is full of chocolate crumbs.

My patio crawls with cockroaches.

On the day you arrive

And ring the brass bell

Before the green gate,

I will sweep the tiles free from ants

And wash between my toes.

 

*   *   *

 

Two Verses for P___

(Lovers, 7 of Blades, 2 of Cups & Lovers, 5 of Blades, 4 of Blades)

 

I.

October—

I did not seek your kisses, mister.

I did not try to learn the way

your whiskers feel upon my neck

And be this as it may:

That I take pleasure in your touch

and would not mind the chance

to explore your navel

to see if I can find the universe inside,

I would give back all knowledge

of your affection

For the pure and simple freedom

found in unencumbered friendship.

  

II.

November—

The world was so loud in my ears that day,

I could not hear the words you said.

Your lips moved, your body moved,

shirtless, around the cab of that red truck—

but I did not heat the words you said!

 

I only heard the words you meant to say:

“Get away,

get away—

get—

away.”

 

*   *   *

 

I was wanting to kiss someone.

Do you like kisses?

I can send you some.

(Lovers, Alchemist, Page of Cups)

 

Send me your lips. Send me

the teeth behind your lips,

send the tip of your tongue,

the whiskers on your cheek.

Send an earlobe, the nape of your neck,

some fingertips.

Send the side of your nose,

and I will press mine against it.

I will place my fingers on your neck,

my thumb light against your jaw bone,

my lips on your mouth,

and I will press against your teeth.

Your rough cheek on my smooth cheek,

your hand on my back,

your fingers, the back of my head.

Send breath, and breathe against me.

Send a heartbeat,

and let me place my ear against your chest.

Send me all of you for kissing.

I will kiss.

 

*   *   *

 

Yuk!

What is this

“love”

stuff?

Thursday, March 28th, 2013

Seven of Swords — Deviant Moon Tarot

7 Swords Deviant Moon Tarot

Illustrated by Patrick Valenzia

 
Martin and I are attempting to put a 2nd bathroom in the house. I’m looking on Craigslist and other places for fixtures, because they’re wicked expensive. There was this one ad for a new-in-box faucet that seemed like a really good deal (normally $130 and he was selling it for $55 but okay he’ll let it go for $40). The dude and I wrote a couple letters. I gave him my number because I was going to go check it out. Then he kept calling! He wouldn’t stop calling! He and his fiancĂ©e live above some convenience store in Burlington and they’re both unemployed. She’s the one who posted the ad. He had this really high voice. After about the seventh call I wanted to say, “Look, actually I’m not interested.” It was beginning to be weird. But I was in Burlington and he agreed to meet me in a convenient location. So I met him, this very wide dude with the high squeeky voice and fiancĂ©e who was trying to look like she didn’t know him, hanging out on the street corner facing the other direction, and he handed me the Home Depot bag with the faucet. Well, the faucet had a box, that’s all I can say for it, and the box looked nice. I don’t know where he got the thing. I don’t think it was at Home Depot, tho that’s what he said. I think he just ripped it out of his apartment. The screen was missing (damn stoners! they get it every time…) and the chrome was all fingerprint greasy and corroded and a bunch of other parts were missing. I told him I wasn’t interested and apologized profusely. He asked why why why and lowered the price and I backed off because I felt so bad for him and I said, “It just doesn’t look new.”
 
Note to self: avoid purchasing things on street corners.
Wednesday, March 20th, 2013

Two of Coins — Tarot of the Absurd

Balance2 coin tarot meaning

 

A ball upon a swinging thread

a ball upon a ball— a juggler—

manager of time eternal—

carries no whip.

 

Time is slave to no one and

disciplined by none—

for discipline is slaved to time.

 

Time takes its own self— tarries—

then bolts! like a bang! bang!

ball upon a ball—

 

The juggler bows himself in two.

One fluid focused motion

vaults him on a ball upon a thread

whereon he lifts his mask revealing

time itself— master of us all.

Tuesday, March 19th, 2013

Nine of Coins — Tarot of the Absurd

nine of pentacles

I am the fulfillment of my

desire— having sown

I reap command— command!

and I command myself—

secure as I swing— curled in—

one with the wind— sure

my fortune I have sown—

sure, assured, secure.

 

Monday, March 18th, 2013

Alchemist — Tarot of the Absurd

The Alchemist is the bridge between ether and life. He channels ambient power through his self and arranges it into organized forms. He demonstrates the creative power to manifest one’s desires. In this image, in the ultimate act of creation, he creates himself. First emerged, one hand directs with the magic wand. Body, limbs, moon and ether form the two loops of the sign of infinity on a field of stars. Two wispy fingers pull the tail end of his body from the mouth of the erlenmeyer flask, finishing with one hand what was begun with the other. In the most fundamental and extreme demonstration of origination, the Alchemist has brought his own self into being.

Infinite Alchemist

 

—Big Bang Theory—

 

Exploding past the question—

“Who Am I?”

The Alchemist comes screaming forth—

“I Am!”

 

Positive meaning:

Search through your bag of tricks to find creative ways to solve problems. Clear your head. Focus. You can do it!

 

Negative meaning:

Learn the difference between tricks and trickery. Deceit and manipulation do not make up for poor design. Stay grounded, be clear, be true.

Saturday, March 9th, 2013

Eight of Cups — A. Daniloff 2012 Tarot

Tarot of Alexander Daniloff

Learning to Leave Behind Things that have Ceased to be of Use

 

The summer of 1993, when I was 20 years old, I exited the Benjamin Rush Recovery center in Syracuse, NY, where I had been an inpatient in the Eating Disorders Unit for five weeks. As much as I hated it there, I was terrified to leave. The remission rate for eating disorders is dismally low.

 

The previous semester in college I had: received a perfect 4.0 in all classes of my double major of English and Biology including the dreaded biochemistry of which I honestly had little interest; joined the cross-country team, earned myself Rookie-of-the-Year, MVP, and raced the national championships; and published poetry in a snooty magazine. I had also been bulimic, among other things, throwing up between eight and twenty times a day. I was a physiological, psychological disaster.

 

Upon leaving the recovery center, I moved into a little room with a hole in the wall in a moderately large house in Oswego, NY, where I lived unsupervised by doctors, nurses, and shrinks. I gave myself one allowance and one rule: I could eat any I wanted, as long as I did not throw up.

 

Change takes a long time.

 

It was ten years before I allowed myself to say, “Okay, maybe I shouldn’t eat just anything.” Since then, I have been exploring ways to heal and recover through food rather than in spite of food.

 

I got better.

I think I am getting better.

Anyhow, I thought I was getting better.

 

I was recently diagnosed with Graves Disease. My visit with the endocrinologist was more or less an explanation of a handful of ways to destroy my disobedient thyroid. Shocking, really, as I feel more-or-less okay other than chronic insomnia and lethargy and stinky farts. Why would I want to get rid of my thyroid? Why can’t we all just get along?

 

Some people have managed Graves Disease through diet. It means a lot of rules. I wish I had an expert to guide me. Nonetheless, I am going to try.

 

Healing means:

learning to leave behind behaviors which have ceased to be of any use

and finding new behaviors to fill the void.

Friday, March 8th, 2013

Eight of Cups — Aquarian Tarot

…but what IS change?

8 of cups aquarian tarot

 

Things that can be changed by our actions:

  • the nature of one’s self and one’s own actions (this is the most difficult change to enact)
  • the appearance of our selves and all things in the world and beyond, both sentient and non-sentient (this happens constantly, both intentionally and unintentionally)
  • the psychology or mindset of living things (our actions cause others to have reactions, some of which have lasting repercussions)

 

Things that can not be changed by our actions:

  • the base material of which something is made (we can enable reactions that do so)
  • the actions, reactions and beliefs of other people places or things (we can act as catalysts that enable or disable them to change themselves)

 

 

VERSES

 

God, give me grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other.

—as phrased by Reinhold Niebuhr, 1943

 

 

For every ailment under the sun

There is a remedy, or there is none;

If there be one, try to find it;

If there be none, never mind it.

—Mother Goose, 1695

 

 

 

WORDS

—from Webster’s New Twentieth Century Dictionary, Unabridged 2nd Edition, 1971

 

Action

n. The fact or process of doing something; the state of acting or moving; exertion of power or force.

 

Belief

n. An acceptance of something as true or real; a firmly held opinion or conviction.

 

Catalyst

n. A substance which either speeds up or slows down a (chemical) reaction, but which itself undergoes no permanent chemical change. [The mechanistic explanation of catalysis is complex.]

 

Change

v. To make or become different; to transform; to arrive at a fresh phase (moon); to move from one to another; to use another instead of.

 

Serenity

n. The state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled. Clearness; brightness.

Friday, March 1st, 2013

Eight of Cups — Tarot of the Absurd

Many years ago, an acquaintance of mine told me a dream. I like listening to dreams. I no longer remember the dream, precisely. All I remember is my impression. My impression of his dream was this image: 

Something here needs to change.

 

 

 

(to be read aloud, except in the case of parenthesis)

 

Change.

 

(inhale)

 

Let go, let go.

Fill your lungs and then let go.

 

(bigger inhale)

 

Let go, let go.

Let go, let go.

Fill your lungs, fill your lungs.

Fill your lungs and then let go.

 

(biggest inhale)

 

Let go, let go.

Let go, let go.

Fill your lungs, fill your lungs.

Fill your lungs and then let go.

Let go.

 

(full release)

 

 

(full inhale)

 

 

(full release)

 

 

(full inhale)

 

 

(full release)

 

 

(full inhale)

 

 

(full release)

 

 

(etc., as necessary)

Friday, February 8th, 2013

Collection

tarot collection

My mother has a highly accurate ability to manifest objects for loved ones.* Often times she does not have to leave the house; she merely has to go to the attic or somesuch location. Otherwise, the objects invariably turn up at garage and estate sales. Generally, a simple object will show up within a year of a serious request. More complex manifestations may take longer, tho I have never known her to fail, except in the case of a butterdish, but that is because she can’t believe I seriously want a butterdish and therefore refuses to manifest it.

 

One time, she manifested a pot top for a woman clear across the country. She had never seen the exact top to that exact pot before, but within a few months of declaring she would find it, she did. Unfortunately, the top was too small. Fortunately, the woman had another pot that needed that exact top and furthermore, my mother found the correct top shortly thereafter. She has not seen a similar pot top since.

 

She purchased the glass shelves in this picture for a total of $1.oo without knowing what she would do with them. She bragged about the shelves heartily, so I offered to take them off her hands. They sat in my basement for a year until I realized where they needed to be: housing my tarot deck collection to keep it out of reach of destructive little hands and mouths.

 

My partner has little patience for manifestation, and some things must simply be purchased new, so we went to the hardware store & bought six black metal brackets for four or five dollars each and a tube of clear silicone and installed the shelves in the living room above the couch. I spread a thin layer of silicone on top of the brackets and let it dry before putting on the glass. It makes a wonderful rubbery barrier. I then put silicone on the bottoms of all the bookends. Delightful stuff. I am very happy with the new setup.

 

*I believe she can manifest knitting machines and sewing machines and fix them to perfect working condition for anyone.